Well let's start out with the hearing test. Not much came from it. I figured Ryan could hear so I wasn't too worried about it. He didn't cooperate in the age appropriate test so they used the infant test on him (where the a toy makes sound at either end of the room and they turn their head to acknowledged what ear they heard the sound in). He also sat through the test where they bounce sound off his ear drum to confirm both ears we're working/responding to sound. He fussed most of the appointment. I thought it wasn't a big deal since he at least completed the infant test. Unfortunately I do have to go back for a second go at the age appropriate test because they can't confirm he is hearing completely out of both ears until he does... Kind of a hassle but not the end of the world.
Today was the first speech therapy appointment. It ended up being more of a consultation and she just assessed where he is at on the spectrum of standards. The test of early language development was administered and he scored pretty low. His receptive language quotient was 70 which is the age equivalent of 1 year 10 months, and he is in the 2nd percentile. For his expressive language he scored a quotient of 75 with the same age equivalency of 1 year 10 month old and he is in the 5 percentile. Overall he scored a spoken language quotient of 67. The average is 90-110 and he fell into the Poor/very poor category. Not good. The therapist took some further notes after some of the testing and she wrote the following:
Receptive Language: "Ryan was able to identify objects, pictures of objects, and basic body parts. Ryan was able to give one block on request with repetition of request. He was not able to demonstrate an activity ("show me how you brush your teeth" -he instead just showed his teeth) or accurately identify pictures depicting the location words of "in" and "on". He only followed one part of a two-step direction.
Expressive Language: Ryan was able to name pictures of familiar objects. He was heard to use up to 3 word sentences, however his mother reported that he can use up to 5 word sentences. Examples of sentences heard today include "There, it's gone", "No see it", "Is this airplane?", "What's that?". Ryan still mixes jargon with true words.
Summary: Ryan presents with poor receptive language and poor expressive language skills. His speech skills are appropriate given his expressive language age level.
That was pretty much the appointment. I wasn't able to say much. I couldn't help him understand and when I did talk I sounded stupid and fumbled over my words because it was so nerve-racking. The therapist was a no fluff kinda person and was down to business. Which made it worse for me. It was hard not to help him and it was hard to sit there and watch her take notes on some chart about him. I know this is all part of the process and you do what you gotta do. As far as a after appointment plan, she was very aloof about what I was supposed to do. Probably because I mentioned Ryan is getting assessed with the school district in early December. After leaving the appointment I figured this was just an assessment and I would have to return to get a more detailed plan of attack on how to help Ryan.
As a result of the aloofness and the shockingly low score (I knew he was behind.. just wasn't expecting it to be SO far). I am kinda a mess today. I called my husband and cried because I feel like a failure. I should have done more with him. I should have just been better. I wouldn't really be able to explain how or what I should have done better, but something... I just can't help but feel guilty. I'm hoping tomorrow at our second OT appointment I will have something more tangible to hold onto other than a low score. Some shred of hope that this isn't a big deal and that Ryan will be fine, and that I can handle this, and that I'm not a failure, and that I am a good mom. I know these things to be true I guess but I just feel terrible. I guess I am more overwhelmed with this than I let others believe and that I do feel a sense of condemnation.
I will be ok though. I just have to bounce back. I have to put together a strict schedule or plan of some sort. Part of me is just overwhelmed with the idea that I can't seem to absorb or learn enough about what I need to do to help Ryan fast enough. I have to just get up and do something to help make things better. I can't sit here and read, I need to do something... but I have to sit here and read to figure out what to do and to figure out what to order, etc. Part of me is panics because I need to be more structured and I have come to learn that I am not very structured at all. WE have some structure but not enough. Maybe it's the whole idea of change. Who really knows. I'm just overwhelmed and there's no time to have a pity party. (cue slap to the face).
Ryan is of course clueless and happy as a clam. I can't lead him to believe otherwise. We will work together on stuff and we will have fun. I will orchestrate a cohesive plan within our little family to help everyone. There's nothing like trial and error, right? Fingers crossed my next post will be full of butterflies and candy gum drop joy. Hopefully I don't vomit my sadness crap all over the poor OT tomorrow.
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